Balcom Agency

So the other day I’m enjoying a little snack, wiping my mouth with one of Starbucks’ signature brown and green napkins, when I see it. A friendly little fine-print note:

“Made from 100% recycled fibers…”

Okay…recycling is good. It’s not like it used to be someone else’s napkin, right?

“…with at least 40% post-consumer material…”

It was someone else’s napkin? Okay…remain calm. I’m sure they used some kind of disinfecting process.

“…in a bleach-free process.”

What? I put my MOUTH on this! It was probably a white napkin the first time around. Ih. Who knew the "green initiative" would come to this? What next? Picketers defending the rights of bacteria? Protesting the use of Lysol?

Despite this startling revelation, I know I’ll still go to Starbucks. Why? Because according to H. G. Wells, when Martians invade the Earth, germs will be the only thing that can stop them. Plus it's the only place you can get a Caramel Apple Spice.

If you've seen the movie Apollo 13, you know how I wake up every morning. The sound my alarm clock makes is a slightly higher-pitched version of the shuttle's Master Alarm. Except for the mornings I wake up early enough to shut it off before it sounds, I am awakened by a frightening electronic honk that seems to scream "We're all going to die!" As soon as I realize that I am, in fact, in bed, and not hurdling around the moon in an oxygen-depleted cockpit, and the earth is not about to be destroyed to make way for a hyperspace bypass, I turn over and switch it off.

Why don't I get a new alarm clock?

Because there are certain benefits to getting up in the morning with adrenaline in my veins. 

Such as:

Instant brain activity

No need for a caffeine drip

Superhuman strength

Okay, maybe not the first one.